


idontwannabeyouanymore

by sotakeabitofcalpol



Series: Are You Dead? [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Dermatillomania, Eating Disorders, Roman Angst, Roman isn’t okay, he’s dangerously perfectionist, human! au, i Don’t think there’s much else to tag, others are mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 06:00:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19717645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sotakeabitofcalpol/pseuds/sotakeabitofcalpol
Summary: Tell the mirror what you know she’s heard beforeI don’t wanna be you anymoreRoman Thorne is an ego. He is bold, and unafraid.Just plain old Roman is well aware of how horrible he truly is





	idontwannabeyouanymore

There was something about Roman that made people look twice. Usually, it was admiration or annoyance. He was loud, and proud, and did stupid shit. Then he grew up.

He’d always had a hard time kicking ‘habits’, whether they be eating his food in each section so the flavours couldn’t be contaminated, or entering some doors multiple times. And one he got truly shouted at for, picking at his face to get the imperfections out. It didn’t really work, just bled, and he knew it, but he had to. It was just a thing he had to do. But in any case, it didn’t rule him.

What did probably did rule him was how physically sick eating made him feel. The churning weight in his stomach, the grease he couldn’t get off his fingers, he just hated it. Not quite as much as himself, but almost. So he stopped. Ate foods that didn’t leave anything on his fingers. Spend stupid hours at the theatre where nobody was paying attention to whether he ate.

And he wasn’t proud of it when he first purged. It burned, he’d left it too long, and there was snot running down his nose, nobody had mentioned that bit, and he had to wash his fingers seven times to wash it out. But they’d made him eat, and told him to stop eating it in sections, and really? He’d just wanted to never think about food again.

The apartment had been a blessing. He didn’t really spend much time there; he spent days on end at the theatre; and everyone else seemed to understand he didn’t want to eat. Patton did sometimes make him eat when he ‘passed out’, but he never picked up on the sections. Virgil rarely spoke, besides thanking him after panic attacks on the bathroom floor. Logan didn’t really eat either. He wasn’t sure why, never got a handle on him, but nobody had pushed him. He wasn’t going to push them.

So maybe things weren’t getting ‘better’. Maybe his fellow theatre geeks had caught on. Maybe it wasn’t healthy to stand in front of the mirror for hours, and even out every wound or imperfection he had, and maybe it wasn’t good that Logan had had to bundle him in three blankets to keep him from freezing when the heating broke. But who cared.

He felt better than ever.

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics and title from idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish
> 
> I don’t really know how to categorise some of Roman’s behaviour. The person it’s based off is fairly certain it’s OCD but he’s never officially been diagnosed, and I don’t want to offend anyone. Message me if something’s wrong.
> 
> Oh, and as I’ve said in all the other notes, go get help if you need it. Don’t ever be ashamed.


End file.
